Top 10 ways to stop the divers in football – from bans and sin-bins to Speedos and the Cheeky Girls

Ashley Young won a penalty for Manchester United against Real Sociedad. It’s fair to say not everyone is convinced he was fouled (especially after he was booked for taking a tumble against Crystal Palace not so long ago) and the subject of diving in football is once more a hot topic.

This issue isn’t new and it doesn’t seem to be going away, but is it possible to stamp out diving?

Here are ten ways (some of them silly) the football authorities could try to eliminate the spectre (albeit a not very sure-footed spectre) of diving.

If you just want to see the daft suggestions, zip straight down to No.6…I won’t be offended.

MORE: Divers like Young should get a straight red, says Palace chief

 1) Send ‘em off

We have red cards for professional fouls, so why not professional dives?

It’d certainly act as a bit of a deterrent, wouldn’t it?

MORE: United boss Moyes defends Young

2) Sin-bin

If a straight red is deemed too harsh, or it’s not considered a particularly ‘serious’ dive (not sure how that works…on your own half maybe) take the rugby or ice hockey route and send the naughty diver to the naughty step for a bit. Fifteen minutes should do it.

3) Tale of the tape

Use video evidence to enforce retrospective punishment.

If a panel of experts, referees would be the obvious choice, deem you’ve dived, that’ll be a ban my son.

4) Reward the opposition 

If the ref spots a dive during the game, it’s not just a free-kick to the wronged side, give ‘em a penalty. Or a goal.

Or let them bring on a sub to have 12 men.

Ludicrous suggestions, I know, but it’d make players think (you’d hope) a bit before taking a tumble.

MORE: Top 10 annoying phrases in football

5) Instant replays 

Technology finally has a toehold in football with goalline gizmos – maybe a video ref could assess major incidents like penalty appeals.

Holding up the game every 12 seconds is not desirable, but how many serious penalty appeals are there in any game? Not many.

If the video ref says it’s a dive, pick a punishment from any in the list.

MORE: Another ten annoying phrases in football

6) Humiliate the diver 

Fines won’t work on the super-rich, so hit them where it hurts in the fashion stakes.

You want to be Tom Daley, mate, you’re hereby ordered to play six games in Speedos.

7) Let them be a diver 

You’re a diver? Really?! Okay, here’s a snorkel to wear (first offence), flippers (second offence) and oxygen tank (third offence).

Number of games in diving gear to be decided by the judges from Splash! which gives Jo Brand a surprising amount of power in English football.

8) Award points

If we’re going to have divers, let’s have good ones.

It’s a mandatory three-match ban for any diving offence unless those same Splash! experts mark it higher than a seven out of ten.

9) Name and shame 

Everyone found guilty of diving will be branded a cheat on the Ten o’Clock News, put on an offenders register and forced to publicly answer for their actions both at Prime Minister’s Questions and at the next home game of the team they cheated. In stocks. With a ready supply of rotten veg.

10) Torture

Delete every track on their iPod. Replace with Cheeky Girls Greatest Hits. Lock them in a room listening to said album on their preposterous big headphones for…. 45 minutes should do it.